You gave me roses and I left them there to die

Listening to Taylor Swift's new album 'Speak now' is making me wish for something great, for something really really great. I've never really been the kind of girl to jump head first into love, not that I was ever put in a position where I could have done that. I grew up amongst a messy divorce and for an 8 year old I saw too much and heard too many conversations, and so childhood taught me that life is messy, men can be terrible people, and hearts break too easily. I was taught to not be stupid. I was taught to stay safe and to put my interests above those of men. I was never taught to love. To recklessly love... And here I am listening to these beautiful words and some of the lyrics I want to engrave in my skin and carry around with me like precious pebbles, because they're so alive, so real and so young. That's youth, isn't it? That's loving without looking ahead, living for today and not tomorrow, what we're meant to be doing. What I never did because something inside me taught me not to. And I listen and I envy her, I envy her ability to be so beautiful and young, and I envy her for feeling so much. I envy those girls who loved, and love, and will keep doing it in spite of everything that tells them not to.

I feel so old, so grown up and way ahead of my own age. It's almost like I'm just looking at all these kids around me and I don't feel like a part of it, because I'm not a child, because my innocence left me before it had time to join me, and because I taught my heart to behave and never gave it freedom to be reckless.

I wish for love, for feeling something immense and for the inability to be rational because rationality ceases to exist and there is no definition for right and wrong. I want to fall in love. I want you, Peter Pan, there's something inside me that tells me that you're the reason why it never worked in the past. Because it wasn't meant to. All that was meant to be is you. All that is meant to be, is you.