I've abandoned this for a while but I'm back now. I have all these questions in my head and I feel like the longer I wait the more confusing everything becomes. You know how simple everything really is? Why do we always complicate things? It's almost like unless we complicate it all and make it one major mess up after another, our life will have no substance.

There's this boy, I call him Peter Pan because in my eyes he will always be the seven year old I once fell in love with. He's far away and he's not here now, and I miss him. I miss him because when I talk to him the world makes more sense. Or maybe it doesnt make much more sense but it's alright that it doesn't. Because it doesn't really matter that everything a blur, I'm not alone. I have him and he is the best person I've ever known. He screws up and makes mistakes and right is doing a lot of stupid things but he's so human. I am not in love with him, but I love him. And I know that that could change. I know that give me any sense of hope of there being more to this, I would sacrifice my whole life for him. And it kills me that no one other girl will ever see all that there is inside him, but to him that won't matter. Because he won't know the difference.

I managed to get myself into some stupid relationship once again. When I left last year I promised to not do this but here I am. I am dating this boy who I dont feel anything towards. And I promise myself each day to end it and then I don't because a part of me says 'who cares?' We're young, the future is ahead and right now it's too far away to matter. Why not live and have fun and be reckless and just experience? I guess because none of what I'm doing qualifies as such. I need to end it. I'm no longer the kind of girl who is afraid to be alone.

I am so good at it that I enjoy it. I want to get away to my room and let my itunes replace the whole universe around me. I want to be alone to watch movies about better places, and vanish into the limitless space before me, the one inside my computer screen, the one that grabs me by the arms and takes me with it.

And then a part of me is afraid that this will never change. That I'll never learn to settle down and that I'll push everyone away forever. What if letting someone in never stops being painful? But there's too many what if's. There's the what if of me not having met the right person yet, or the what if of me creating a problem out of a solution, or a dozen others that I can no longer care to specify.

What if life, what if it zooms by me and I never learn to feel? Literature is my God, art, and music, and words, they are my religion, they are what I believe. But in the absolute world of facts and figures and bodies made of real atoms, there I am a non-believer. Who really cares? Except I get days when I, I care! I care about being sucessful and independent and stern, and I wish for it and I fear failing. I wish for independence and freedom, the road to which I see through money, and for that I need to care and I need to fight and I need to integrate.

And so I do.