Make my heart stop beating.

I have this friend, or quite possibly used to have, who fell for me. And I kept wondering what wasn't enough about him, why, despite rationaly understanding that he met all the criteria that I look for, he just doesn't do it, and I cannot see him as anything more. He's smart and he's funny, he makes me laugh, and his ideas interest me because unlike with other people, what he says is unpredictable, and he comes from a good family and I think he gets me, he finds something fascinating about me that even I don't see. He, you could say, is the perfect match. Except, he isn't.
I've tried to figure it out for almost a year now, why imagining myself with him only brings claustrophobia to me. It's like he's too safe. Too predictable. And I would never need him as much as he'd need me. I look at him and I guess in a way he is still an open book, a long ago read and put away on a shelf for display book.
My mother believes me to be someone much better than I am. She somehow see's something in me that I really don't feel matches the reality. She thinks that I'll do great for myself because I know exactly what I want, because I know what man I need and I won't conform for less. But, but somehow I doubt it. Because despite knowing what I want, I'm not hopeful. I'm so insecure about myself and about the possibility of greatness in the future.
I need someone who can make my heart stop beating, who would make my heart skip not one beat but ten, and who would excite me and make me nervous and exctatic. But I guess that's what we all need, right? And although I know what I want, I'm not sure that they'd want me. Or that life is like the movies and that it is possible to feel so good. Fine, I'm only eighteen and life is ahead of me, but the only time I've come even close to it is when watching someone else, movies with those perfect men. But in life, in life there's nothing like it. And those men are actually flawed boys who lack imagination or passion to steal my heart.
Mark, you're a wonderful boy, maybe even a great one, but that safety that you convey to me, it isn't what I want. I want chaos, I need it, I'm searching for it. And you, you will find her, the girl who will see in you what I see in them, and then you'll know the wait was worth it.
And I hope that so will I.