'Brown'

I'm sat in the kitchen with a dim light on my right being the only source of illumination. The dog is sleeping on the sofa a couple of metres away from me, and I'm sat with my hair wet from the shower and my eyes tired. It's funny but every night I practically torture mysef with the lack of sleep because going to sleep and wasting those hours of silence away in my bed feels like the biggest waste. Since childhood I've found something so enchanting about the night that I just can't stay away. It attracts me. It's low tones forcing melancholy down my throat, everything somehow becoming that more significant, and then again being ridiculed with the rise of the sun as if the two are interlinked and essential for eachothers well-being.

I think one of my biggest flaws is that I soak in self-pity. I look over all the pathetic little details of my life and find new ways to feel sorry for myself too often. And it's excruciating.

My sister is a beautiful blonde. And so is my mother. Everyone keeps telling them how alike they are and how my sister is my mother in her youth. They're heartbreakers, beautiful and fascinating and different. And secretly, I guess I envy that. And that's terrible but to hell with being perfect, I can't pretend to be that in my writing.

I don't remember a day when I looked in the mirror and was okay with the girl looking at me. It's not that I'm 'ugly' but I'm just not what I need to be. I'm the plain boring brunette associated since childhood with color 'brown', which is something I remember being ashamed of when I was little. It's like I've always been associated with masculine elements. The dark big shadow. Dark, dark, always dark. There's nothing graceful or feminine and alluring, it's just color 'brown' spilt all over the canvas. And that's bothered me my entire life. Because I never felt 'little' or beautiful, I've felt serious and bigger than anyone around me, not that that's the truth.

And here's the perfect example of my self-pity. As I listen to Missy Higgins on my i-tunes and deny myself my beauty sleep, I'm going over all these little details and feeling 'brown'.