Fight.

I'm going to write something that I won't be proud of. (I'll try, but not really.) My stomach is filled with things it does not deserve, the lack of hunger makes me feel guilty, and I want to turn back time. I starved myself for days before, I promised myself that it was worth it, I gave myself nicotine in exchange for the strength and kept going for just one more day. The days I gave in I punished myself by making myself throw it all up. Bulimia has become a very personal subject to me. But I am not bulimic. I'm just like an amateur who tries something new and gets hooked for a while. I sat by the toilet and told myself I didn't deserve better, I told myself words of hate, and then I promised myself a cigarette once my body would be empty again. The cigarette became the light at the end of a dark tunnel. (I can never give up smoking.) Thing's are different today, a good different, but to me, everything is dark. Because I kept my promise, it really was worth it in the end. The end may not justify the means but for me it certainly did. It made me more beautiful, not on the inside (my insides are torn), but on the outside. There's something odd about all of this, I wonder if that's the real reason people hold on. It makes me feel special, like I have some sort of secret in my pocket and no one else can own it, it's mine, and it gives me a purpose, it makes me feel important.

Today I'm sat by this computer and my stomach is filled with cookie, cookies I never deserved. (Cookies I will never deserve.) I go back in time and wonder why I had them. It wasn't hunger or a craving, or anything in particular. I may not be bulimic, but I definitely have a disturbed take on food. I'm going to promise you something now, and I'll try not be proud of it. (A promise is only a hope.) I'm going to be beautiful one day, and by one day I mean one day very soon. I'm going to close my mouth and start viewing food as my enemy, because it is. My body is big and it can't be much longer. I'm going to make a promise now, as of right now, as for forever. On the most ordinary evening, with nothing to make it remarkable, I am going to declare war. I am fighting this as of this very second, and I promise you, it will be so worth it. So I stretch my hand towards the drawer, and pick up the half empty pack of cookies, and I send them flying to the bin. Goodbye everything that isn't a step towards perfection. I make an oath to make this my biggest fight yet.