Writing has always been my answer, so now, with no agenda in mind, I will write. Except as always, of course I’m lying, there’s always an agenda for me when I start writing. I’m thinking about back then, 5 years old, me, him, us, the reckless days when there was no future ahead of us, just a drunken today to have fun with. L, to me she represents what was back then, the careless days, when everything was about fun. We got drunk, we ran away, we laughed, boy did we laugh, the whole world could have been defined by laughing then. And him, that boy who turned into my first (messed up, of course) relationship, my first crush, my first kiss, almost my first everything. He said he loved my eyes, and I loved his smile, when he looked at me. I loved him kissing me on the forehead, on the face, the way he looked at me, as if he didn’t see the disaster that I actually was. All he saw was a beautiful little girl. He told me he loved me, as we sat on the pavement drunk, and I smiled, and then I asked him if that’s really what he just said. And of course, the shy boy, M, you were so shy, said no. but then something happened, its like suddenly you got your courage, as you held me, and you said that yes, you did just say it. And I kissed you and said I love you too. My first I love you to a boy. My only I love you to a boy. Can anything measure up to that? The first love, the first words, the first feelings, and consequently, the first heartbreak. I never cared about the rumor, I just wanted an easy out, because I was scared. Even back then fear was with me. I was scared and so I left, you suggested it and I promptly agreed. It was such a competition back then, who will break who’s heart. I remember holding your hand, has anything ever felt as great? No… nothing ever has. And then you were leaving and I sat there at night wishing for you and feeling so much pain, to a 14 year old the world is such a crushing oyster. I wrote text messages to you that I never sent, I imagined, I dreamed of you kneeling before me and saying sorry. And you did! Isn’t that crazy? The one time I wished for something and it actually happened. You said you’re sorry, and I hugged you, because that was all I ever wanted. For you to call me back. And then someone else came up, and started talking, and all I could think about was you. I held your hand and you held mine back, and then we kissed on the couch and it was like we were never separated in the first place. The last good night. The night you said you loved me. And I said I loved you back. The one time I actually meant it.
But then you left, and the laughter felt irrelevant. I’d wake up every morning, me, the girl who never heard her alarm clock before, woke up, and sat all day smiling at the screen as you wrote and wrote. I don’t know what I was hoping for then, but that’s the thing about 14 years olds, they’re never realistic, and that’s their greatest charm. They believe the world to be invincible, they believe that love does as promised conquer all. I lived for him. I wonder if he lived for me? I wonder where that love letter is, the only love letter I ever wrote. He offered to give it back to me but I said no,and he said he’d keep it in his wallet. I wonder if he ever re read it. I wonder if now it’s burned.
Is it normal, this pain, this suffocating refusal to give it all up? It’s been 5 years M, and it feels like I haven’t moved an inch. Maybe I needed a finale, but im no longer 14. Love does not conquer all anymore, and tomorrow doesn’t turn into one big party where we can all forget. Maybe that’s the thing, I miss the simplicity of it all. Back when I didn’t have to worry, back when my mother worried for me. Now its all about those horrible things of which I don’t want to even speak of. I want to go back, I wish for my dreams to take me there, but then I know that the wake up call will be oh so painful. The butterflies will destroy me. I am the girl who gets destroyed by butterflies who are 5 years too late in leaving. By now they’ve turned into huge red dragons, eating away at me, as I still cannot find a path to leave.
Do you love her? Please say no.
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