For you

Every time someone raises a glass I drink for you.

(I love you)

Love

I walk around the empty hallways and you're everywhere. The room is filled with you, your face stares at me from the picture frames, your scent whispers from every corner of every space. The silence is overbearing as it stares me in the face and there is no way to defy it. I pick up an album from your shelf and take a picture, Peter Pan, your beautiful face, your staggering soul which has complete control over my every action. I hold it and take it with me, I'll find you some place safe, I'll carry you right near my heart, as I carry your voice, your eyes, your everything, every day inside it. I feel you Peter, your every move speaks to me, every silence has its perfect meaning and I never lose it. To the edge of everything, that is the promise I made, that is the distance I'll go for nobody but you. You are my exception, the only one I'll ever make. I read you, I read you like the most life changing novel, filled with beautiful phrases that revolutionize my world. You are love to me, you define the feeling and give the word its meaning. I love you just, no reason, no purpose, absolutely no agenda. My feelings are just there, the most honest cry I have ever uttered. I don't pray for you to love me back, I don't ask or beg, or even expect. I just love, and love is the most real feeling I have ever experienced. I heard a myth. It said that if the emotional pain is real enough, it translates into physical pain, and all the symptoms are right on the outside. Now I know it's not a myth. My whole body aches and I become a walking cliche. I don't ask for anything Peter, I ask for nothing in return for what I feel. What I want most is for you to be okay. I need you to be safe, and happy, and loved, and in love, and inspired, and never alone. I want to protect you, but there is a whole ocean between us, restless waves separating what I want to do from what I can, so I pray that you have a guardian angel to protect you for me. You made me selfless, and I miss you every single day, and it never gets easier. To tell you the truth I'm terrified, because I know that life isn't perfect, and that the world can be cold, and that too many hearts are never healed, and that heartbreak sometimes becomes a lifestyle. Yes Peter, I'll wait forever if I have to, but I am so scared, because despite living with my heart, I see the truth, and sometimes the only ending someone gets is an inevitable crash.

I feel you like I have never felt anyone else, and I know that the way I feel for you, that is exactly the way to love.

Perfect

I washed away something essential, and by turning my body into a self destructive machine, I won. I reached out and grabbed perfection by the arm. She told me it takes more than that, she said that the price to pay for its possession is high, almost unthinkable, and that only the strongest, only the weakest, are willing; but that the surrender grants salvation. I paid that price; I went half way and watched my life transform itself. Now I am more beautiful, and with great beauty leaves great responsibility, but there is yet miles to go and the stakes keep getting higher. Perfection demands more, she grips at me and gives me a taste of an alternative future, but the future is never granted to us on a silver plate. We have to play and play dirty to taste its juice. She calls to me in a serpent like manner, merciless, ghostly, never satisfied. She pulls at me, and the voices take over. I find myself torn, I know the strength is there, I know the limitless weakness that breaks the wall is right inside of me, and all it takes is one single 'no' to make the deal. I understand the implications completely, and my sick body reminds me of the hardships to endure, the betrayal I am committing by being loyal to the wrong queen. But what scares us most is what we call to, tragedy enchants me and I reach out to grab it. The promise of tomorrow is interlinked with tragedy, one will not come without the other, and as I feel the pain near my heart, in my stomach, in my head, I surrender. Perfection, you are now my queen, and I serve to you as your most loyal soldier.