Tебе до нее не дотянуть.

I consume caffeine and nicotine, hoping that's enough to keep me alive.

Everything is fine.

So what's new with you?

Well let me see mother. I've become so obsessed with beauty that I haven't eaten in days, and the two times I did eat, I went to the bathroom and put two fingers down my throat. I'm not proud of it, but I can no longer live this life. I can no longer be around you and feel the disappointment, the silent judgement of how perfectly imperfect I am. I know you compare us, and I know that in your eyes she is beautiful, because she never let the food she ate destroy her. And then you look at me, the slightly bigger figure next to her, and you wonder where you went wrong. You don't realize this but that look kills me. I guess all children carry in their DNA the desire to gain the approval of their parents. I never thought of myself as this person, as someone who would become so affected by the outside world that I'd turn my insides inside out. I never thought I'd get here, but right now the end justifies the means. What else is new? I've been smoking a lot lately, it's my way of controlling myself. In fact, there is hardly a time when you wont find me with a cigarette in my hand. I know it's bad for me but right now it feels like the only thing that isn't bad at all. Don't worry, I'll wash all my clothes before I come home so you'll never know. And something else? I am dreading friday. I know that you both are excited but all I feel is mortification. The Caribbean is for beautiful people, and I have never been less beautiful in my life.

I'm sorry mother, for not being able to say these words out loud. Instead I say: Everything is fine.

Free

'Then I would ask you how you would describe yourself in only one word... but I already found it. Because I also have to give ONE word for the type of person I admire, and I really do admire you. You seem to me a very strong and self-confident young woman, one who knows what she wants and fights for what she wants. You travel a lot, you’re not afraid of taking chances. And then he said : « free », and I think that word describes you perfectly.'