Dear S,

Two nights ago I had a dream about you. And all my feelings, all those painful illusions I have had for the last six years, they were resurrected. I woke up missing you, and for the next two days I lived of you. I forgot the real world and I let you consume me. I went back to you and I missed you all over again. Tonight, I'm saying goodbye.

For six years, I loved you unconditionally. I loved you, and I remembered you, and I needed you. I'm so sorry, but I cannot do that anymore. I need to accept my past for what it is and then I need to go into the future. And that's okay.

You were my first love, you were the boy who for six years I held onto to as some sort of hope. I wrote about magic strings, about the universe having some magic in it to bring us back together again. I wished for it and every time I'd have a dream about you, you were back in my life on page one. You became my oxygen, just like you were that summer, when I was nothing but a child. A beautiful child who fell in love for the first time, a child who needed you to remind me that I was more, so much more, than I gave myself credit for.

And first love never dies, it becomes this feeling buried deep into our skin, and it lives along with us, as we grow, it grows too, into memories, into mistakes, into regret and into passion.

I loved you and I always will, but I need to accept that you are my past. And just because I had you then, just because I never had you really, just because my past is great, it doesn't mean that my future cannot be great too. I truly believe that one day it will. I need to believe. I keep telling myself that I am no romantic but I am. Of course I am, I held onto a dream for six years and I never let it die, and I didn't let it kill me either.

If there were those magic strings between lovers then maybe you'd come back to me, but I cannot live of that hope any longer. I need to put you behind me. You and your gorgeous smile and that beautiful letter, that e-mail that turned my world upside down. S, I wish you love, I wish you the greatest love one could possibly have. But I need to wish that for myself too.

We aren't children anymore, and the fact is, I will probably never see you again. I have come to accept that. I have come to accept that this is probably my last dream of you. I have to accept that you are my past but not my future. I have to accept that this is my last letter to you.

And if one day I feel like I need you all over again, I'll live with it, but I won't let it consume me. I'll turn you into literature, I'll turn feelings into words and I'll gracefully move forward. As you have. Because no one does what I do, let failed love stories control their lives for no reason at all. Except we never really failed, have we? No, of course we haven't. We were the most beautiful story I know. A story, but not a possibility. Good on paper, but just not possible in the real world. The world into which I must return now.

S, my love for you is unconditional. It will live along my side as I grow older and let other love stories enter my heart.

Take care, I wish you everything, I little bit of heaven, and a little bit of hell.

V

My magic strings

My dreams control my life. I fell asleep last night and dream of S, and I woke up with all my feelings for him resurrected. I do this to myself, I let them get under my skin and I go over the heartbreak all over again. I miss him now. I miss him and I want him and I'd give him anything to know where he is. The tragedy of it all though is that I know that I will never find out. I will never see him again, or hear of him, I will never know more than I already do. The thought terrifies me. How is it possible that when we're children we feel so much? And when we grow into adults, the feelings become numb, we're unable to give ourselves away with the same strength?

S, I want to believe in magic strings. Come find me, and I'll come fly away with you.

Fly with me...

I feel trapped in relationships because people have attachments, whilst I destroy mine. Belonging is painful to me because it ties me down and I don’t want to be tied down. I want to be free, I want to fly, to run, to swim, to breathe and get inspired and let the wind take me away to wherever it blows. Most people don’t do that, they like having their home and their secret places, they like having a shore to come back to. I like coming back to different shores. Whenever I set out to sea, I go somewhere new. I guess I’m looking for a restless spirit who can fly along my side, who is just as keen to discover the world as I am.